Talking Tacos

13^th Sep 2010

Monday // 10pm // 1 year ago

Classic Mistake: Fucking Your Best Friend

As a self proclaimed alcoholic, my college days were mostly spent at the campus pub. This was my glory place: the place where people chanted my name when I entered, gave me staff discounts for no appaerent reason, and always had my order ready for 11:00am sharp. I could come alone, and find my friends up there. I could walk through the student lounge and people would follow like sheep, realizing where I was going, but usually I had my fellow drinking buddies at my side. Kumar was your typical handsome alcoholic East Indian guy: the one you could crack horrible racist jokes in front of, or take body shots off of, he was up for it all—after all he’s my best friend!

Seeing as I’m a bit of a make-out whore, I didn’t really think much of our drunken makeout session last winter. It wasn’t until my other good friend, Dexter (he’s made an apperance in this blog previously) were about a week away from going to the convocation banquet that I had this conversation:

Dex: “Pixie, I don’t think I should go to the banquet with you”
Pix: What why? I’m wearing a slutting dress, drinking beer all night, and making a drunken speech! You have to come!
Dex: Well, I’ll sit at your table still, but… look you have to take Kumar.
Pix: …oh?
Dex: He wants to ask you to go, but knows you were going to go with me. So I told him I’m not your date anymore.

Well me being the only single female convocating from the beer leauge for whatever reason I figured he just wanted me to ask him because he wasn’t convocating and needed an excuse to join everyone. Big fucking mistake.

That night Kumar and I got loaded, and made out like teenagers on the Dfloor. I took a ride home with Dex, and then alternated between making out with two hot brothers in the back seat the whole way home. Classic!

When I was recently back in town, I went to drink and gamble at the casino… completely forgetting that Kumar worked there. I saw him, and he started feeding me free booze form the bar. This took us to his shift ending and going to a staff party. A case of beer, and several shot later I was at the horrible level of drunk that I like to call “strobelight drunk” (i.e. the stage before blackout drunk, which is often preferred). My flashbacks of memory:

-Sitting on a couch having Kumar’s arm around me.
-Running on the street toward a gas station.
-Telling the gas jockey to get me his favourite condoms.
-Being naked all of a sudden in a car while Kumar is on top fucking me.
-Waking up a few hours later mostly naked in a car and wondering why I didn’t take my contact lenses out.

Whoops. Oh well. Friends have sex all the time right? He’s hot anyway, just about all my girl friends have told me they would fuck him. No big deal. That is until I got a phone call a few days after I left town. Kumar called just to chat… for an hour? Ooookay. I thought he was calling to tell me he had an STD or something. Nope. Just to chat. Odd. I’ll let it slide.

Confirmation of an issue: Last night I get a phone call from Kumar at about 2am. He is drunk. This is a much more normal Kumar-call. Problem?

Kumar:
“Pixie, fuck, Pixie you are just so awesome. I wish you were here right now, and I miss hanging out and the bar just isn’t the same aand….”
*Click, muffle*
Dex:
“I’m sorry Pixie, he’s so drunk right now, I’m so sorry if he woke you up.”
Kumar (background):
“PIXIE, I love you. Dexter give me the phone. Pixie I love you…”
Dexter:
“Sorry Pix… but I’m going to hang up now”
Kumar:
“I’M IN LOVE WITH Y…”
*CLICK*

Oh shit. If my experience has told me anything: Only drunks and children tell the truth. Now how the hell am I suppose to visit home, sleep around, and get drunk with my friends without breaking his break? God damnit!

~*PIXIE*~

20^th Aug 2010

Friday // 7pm // 1 year ago

A High School Moment

After our washroom hookup, me and Astroboy went our seperate ways. He was telling me how he would be way better if he was more hydrated (we’re both Starbucks addicts) so I told him he’d have to proove it sometime.

My friends and I were out for coffee when I get a text from Astroboy.
“Let me proove it to you. What are you doing tonight?”

I wasn’t really doing anything other than having a few girls over to shoot pool and have a few drinks. I told him if he was gonna come, I’d mention the threesome option to the worthwhile girls (Astroboy and I also check out girls together, we have similar tastes). If you mention the possibility of a threesome to any guy, he’s usualy down for doing whatever you want that evening. The thing about the city I live in: Commute is a bitch. It’s a 45 minute drive to my house from his…without construction. So I held up the girls as long as I could, but they ended up leaving before Astroboy could get here. The other thing about this city is I stay with my parents, who knew I was having a few people ladies over for pool, but that’s it.

Now there really isn’t much appealing about sneaking a guy into your parents house… so I decided to make due with the situation.

Astroboy sends me a text when he’s outside. All the lights are off. I answer the door with nothing on but my matching bright red lace thong and bra. I take him by the hand and guide him downstairs before he can say anything. I let go of his hand, hop on the pool table and kick one of the lights on.

I smile. And whisper “shhh”.

He takes off his shirt. Best abs I’ve ever seen—DAMN!! Then we fucked on my pool table. At this point Astroboy is somewhat nervous, you can tell he’s worried about having my parents walk in. Two things he doesn’t know: 1. My basement is soundproof. 2. My parents are smart enough to know that if they hear something suspicious and I’m in the area, it’s probably something they really don’t want to look in to… so they let me be. But not telling him is way more fun.

After the pool table I showed him a spare bedroom in the basement. He’s much more comfortable now. He throws me down and fucks me hard. This continues throughout the evening, and would have kept going except we ran out of condoms. Anyone who can last that long in a night AND make me cum twice (not an easy task unfortunatly) deserves a medal. We cleaned up the basement as though no one had even been there and I snuck him out of my house.

Moral of the story: Stay hydrated.

~*PIXIE*~

20^th Aug 2010

Friday // 2am // 1 year ago

Old School

I drive to see my folks. Astroboy shoots me a text, he wants to do coffee and lunch (like usual), but I’m hoping that’s not all he wants to do.

Any man of mine knows how to win bonus points: buy me coffee(or booze), buy me food, and take the wheel. After sushi and coffee, Astroboy has dropped more than enough hints about how he wants me.

“Let’s go for a drive”

Well go figure. Even our usual hook-up parking spots are surrounded by yuppies walking their dogs, or enjoying nature or whatever. My hand is on Astroboy’s cock.

“Where the fuck can we go?”

We’re at the college campus we both attended and worked at. Our job we met at involved us touring the entire campus head to toe, including restricted access areas.

“Okay fuck. Let’s think. Where can we go where we didn’t need to use our keys?”
“Arts offices?”
“It’s summer, that whole wing will be locked”
“Know anyone in residence?”
“Not now”
“What about the education building with study rooms in the basement?”
…
We sped to the parkade, parked and headed straight for the small rooms no one ever used. They were always open. The only time they lock it is…
“Fucking summer! Is everything locked?!”
“I dunno. I’m going to the washroom, keep thinking of places”
…

Ding!

Lightbulb goes on. Astroboy glances at me, then stares back at the bathroom.

“Should we go old school?”
“Well there are hanicapp—-“
Before I can finish Astroboy grabs me hand, leads me into the stall, locks in and we start going at it.

Fortunatly for us no one came in. I forgot how fucking hot Astroboy is. Not only is his face cute (9.5/10), his body fantastic (11/10) but he knows exactly what the fuck he’s doing.

We left and quickly booked it back to the parkade to see if we made the free parking time (30min). We pulled up to the booth and asked the worker if we owed him anything.
“Sorry guys, free parking is only 30min or less, you’ve been gone for almost an hour and a half. $5”

We paid. Then Astroboy drove me to my car.
“So… coffee sometime soon?”

~*PIXIE*~

18^th Aug 2010

Wednesday // 12pm // 1 year ago

Recovery

As a continuation from my last blog, I packed up my tent and left the party scene as soon as I could. I ate breakfast and started moving my things into a friends house when I got a text:
“How was your summer?”

Harley? Cute. Haven’t heard from him in awhile… through mindless chatter I get the following important information from him in about 5 minutes:
1. He took the day off work.
2. His parents are out of town.
3. He wants to have a beer with me.
4. He’s horny.

…okay that last one I just assumed he didn’t really tell me that. So I ditch my friend and head over to his house after he invited me over for a swim. We quickly caught up. Cracked a beer and started fooling around on the couch. The doorbell rings. His neighbours want to go for a swim. He says sure.

He walks back to me. Tells me I should get my shirt back on since there’s now kids in the yard.

Damnit!

Fully clothed I finish my beer while Harley is in the washroom. He walks back to me.

Unexpectadly, he picks me up and throws me over his shoulder. He carries me downstairs, puts me on top of the shuffleboard table, rips off our clothing and has his way with me.

Fuck yes!

I’m not saying all men should just go caveman on their girl, but sometimes it’s fucking hella hot.

And now for the penalties:
-He buys me dinner after we take a cat nap. Red flag! …although I did need to eat, so I accepted.
-I give him a blow job later on and then we cuddle for hours. Red flag! I like a good rest, but usually caressing and stroking should only be used as foreplay.
-He let’s me sleep overnight. We cuddle. He doesn’t make a move on me. Red flag. Procedure call! Don’t get me wrong I jumped him in the morning… only to which he said I’ve done enough for him, and he just wants to cuddle for awhile. RED FLAG.

Who the fuck let’s a hot girl sleep in their bed without making a move. Either he’s too tired (unlikely, I checked out the equipment and all systems were a go), he’s drunk (also a negative) or he’s concerned about… feelings? Oh fuck.

I really hope this isn’t the case, becasue I have a hunch if feelings are involved the idea of me fucking both Cowboy and Harley (they’re friends) is not going to go over well.

This is either going to end in disaster, or a threesome.

~*PIXIE*~

18^th Aug 2010

Wednesday // 12am // 1 year ago

As long as there’s grass on the field…

To follow up with my last blog, all tests have resulted in a still-clean taco. To continue my follow up, I was still not impressed, so decided to deal with my emotions the only way I know how: consuming excessive amounts of alcohol.

It was a barn party. The type where I threw my car keys in a jar upon entree, set up my 2 person tent while I was tipsy and managed to swap clothing until my whole outfit was yellow this was the beginning. After playing flip-cup for hours, downing several jag shot, most of a mickey of butterscotch schnapps, some sort of mixed drink, and some sour puss, on top of the beer I brought, I was pretty pretty damn good! Fuck men!

Well. It was only midnight, so I couldn’t stop there. So I kept a beer in each hand for the remainder of the night. Then I saw this awkward 18 year old kid I once knew taking this awkward girl into the bushes. A crowd of us found this entertaining as it was the young one’s first would-be makeout. This should have been a warning to me, but it wasn’t. So about 10 of us decided to watch from about 30ft away.

Then the young one got up and starting running back to the barn. He was looking for a condom. Cute. The ten of us were laughing. I threw a condom out from my purse and the young one ran back. Then we let them be alone… Ain’t we nice?

I was chatting with this tall handsome dark haired man for awhile, his nickname is Howl, so that’s what I’ll call him. Upon our return to the barn we discovered that most people had gone to bed. So we cracked another beer and kept chatting. He mentioned a girlfriend. So for once my chatter was surprisingly innocent. After my case of beer was almost done Howl was tired, and told me he didn’t have a place to sleep, so I told him he could crash in my tent, and I would party a bit longer. Then he said he’d feel bad if he used my tent alone, and he wasn’t even sure which one it was anyway. So I figured it was after 2 and I could crash too… after one more beer.

This was the last this that is clear memory. From there I have images of making out, Howl’s abs, and sucking cock. All I know is my jeans stayed on, my shirt did not, he was naked and I was fucking freezing when I woke up to all this in the morning. Fuck. He has a girlfriend. I feel like an asshole.

We throw on clothing and crawl out of the tent. My friend sees this and starts the questions. I really don’t want to rat on Howl cheating on his girlfriend, so I’m quietly listening to my friend bitch to me while I think of a way to dodge the question of “Did you two do anything?”. Right about then I hear:

“Pixie do you know how old he is?”
…
“Wait, what?”
“Do you know how old Howl is?”
“Um…I dunno, 21?”
“He’s 17 Pixie.”
…
…
My jaw drops.
WHAT THE FUCK. 17!? THAT IS ILLEGAL!! That is…oh god. What did I do? I have broken the law, and possibly some poor 16 year old girls heart somewhere. But more importantly: HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN! ShitshitSHIT. No sane 17 year old manboy would have me arrested, (I give fucking amazing blowjobs afterall), but why did this have to happen to ME?!

This is what I get for making fun of priests and alterservers. Fucking Karma. I need to get my mind off this.

~*PIXIE*~

PS: Dixie is travelling at the moment and will be back to posting when she gets back.

17^th Aug 2010

Tuesday // 11pm // 1 year ago

Well that was a dick move.

Those of you who have been reading, know I tend to get around a tad. I usually stick to the same few men over a large amount of time. My most recent accomplishment was Cowboy. Seeing as we’re both clean, after a month or so of fucking we decided to stop using condoms.

Not using condoms, as Dixie has noted in previous blogs, is particularily fun. I pop my birth control more faithfully than priest molests alterservers, so my fear of pregnancy isn’t really there. My fear for STDs on the other hand is completely rational.

Most girls get mad when the dude they’re fucking fucks other girls, but I’m not really one to have such high expectations. So the deal was simple, we keep fucking condomless as long as we only fuck people we know are clean (i.e. previous partners who haven’t been getting around much lately). Seems fair in my books.

Then I get a text from a friend who is at one of Cowboy’s party’s while I’m out of town: “Who’s the new girl?”

…

“What new girl? …you mean Amber?”
“No. She’s new. It seems like she doesn’t know him well…”
“Oh shit.”

After my friend investigated the situation it turns out new girl had slept with Cowboy 3 times throughout summer, condomless, and was in fact a stranger to him pre-summer.

Well. Time to get my vagina swiped, followed by drinking. What a dick!

~*PIXIE*~

02^nd Aug 2010

Monday // 8pm // 1 year ago

Meeting the parents, V 2.0

Please refer to my previous blog titled “Meeting the parents”… then proceed.

After my awkward encounter with Harley’s parents I decided to listen to Dixie’s “homeowner” rule. So I’ve been fucking Cowboy, who owns a farm or two. Now in the city here, most people only lock their doors when no one is home. As a kid we never even locked our house at night. On the farm? I’m not even sure if houses come with locks, and there is literally an open door policy. Which has unfortunatly fucked me over.

Cowboy and I were fucking in his bed, which is visible after you take a step out of the entryway of his house. We finished up. He was getting out of the shower and I was sprawled out naked on the bed sleeping. Then I heard the front door bang shut. Since Cowboy hasn’t left I jumped to the conclusion that someone has entered the house. I also jumped to the conclusion that it was likely one of Cowboy’s friends who had been at Cowboy’s party the previous night, trying to find a cell phone, or something, and who would also barge into the bedroom to high five Cowboy. So I held a sheet up over my tits, and peeked around the half-closed door to tell the intruder that Cowboy would be a minute. My hangover prevented me from caring if they could see my ass, and probably my nipples through the sheet.

This is when I realized the 20-something year old hungover dude I was expecting to see was a somewhat well dressed 50some year old woman with a cast on, alongs side a 70some year old well dressed woman.

Oh shit.

I spin around to the other side of the door as fast as I can and begin to scramble for clothing.

Fuck.

Right as I was throwing a teeshirt on Cowboy went to go greet the visitors. He starts small talk with them, I am starring at them from behind Cowboy.

“Oh hey, Pixie this is my Mom and Grandma”
*PAUSE*
“Hi?”

…at least I made an impression… right?

~*PIXIE*~

27^th Jul 2010

Tuesday // 11pm // 1 year ago

Having sex in front of other people.

Well the title explains it all.

Cowboy picks me up, and we meet up with some of his friends at the local pub… of course upon arrival I realize that his friends are my friends (Did I mention I’m living in a hick-town? If not you should have that imagine by the end of this post)., fortunately none of which I have banged, but I’m sure they’ve all seen me naked before. (Also I should mention I tend to initiate streaking and skinny dipping sessions).

Oh well!

So we drink. Cowboy decides we should go to his cabin where we (our friends and I) can consume more alcohol, go mud bogging, drink more, tip some cows, more drinking, and then crash for the evening. So we do. Somewhere between mudbogging and drinking we decided to waltz into Cowboy’s mini-lake (at this point I’d like to mention his cabin is actually more of a hunting shack on one of his farms). Then our mutual friends decide they want their swim trunks, which are conveniently located at the shack, which is about 2 km away. Naturally Cowboy and I decide to be the kind friends we are and go drive back to the shack and pick up swim trunks for them.

About an hour later we exit the shack half-clothes, exhausted, and with messy hair—but with swim trunks in hand… only to be faced with very muddy, very drunk friends on a bench starring at the shack saying something along the lines of “Wow that sounded like an epic search for those swim trunks. Assholes.”

Oops! Oh well. Friends understand these things…right? Well. Drinking time ended and we were just about ready to pass out, of course then cowboy battled to get top bunk (we had sex on the bottom bunk…again friends understand…right?!) then we cranked up the country tunes just so everyone could continue being obnoxious from there sex-filled sleeping spots. People were sleeping on the ground, and on the bottom bunk.

The people on the top bunk (Myself and Cowboy) were fucking. No blankets. No slow passionate sex. Just fucking. I tried to keep quiet, but bottom bunk could definitely tell what was going on, and those on the mattress on the ground had clear visual. But we just pretended like we were still partying and singing and occasionally making drunk comments to everyone. For whatever reason I thought this was not only fun and hilarious, but also pretty hot!

So we finished. Kept the shack party going for a bit… then started fucking again.

And in the morning? Well my poor friends woke up the the same damn creaking and moaning that put their little sleepy drunken heads to bed.

“Assholes”

~*PIXIE*~

13^th Jul 2010

Tuesday // 9pm // 1 year ago

A Taste of Sausage

Greetings readers of Talking Tacos.  Don’t panic!  Yes, a male is posting on this blog.  Don’t worry, this isn’t going to be some anti-women hate post where I’m ranting how I’m going to name my child, who will be a boy because I know it, after Greek gods.  Well, I guess it sorta is?

Let’s do the intro thing right quick!  Since I’m out of juice to come up with a witty and fantastic name, let’s just call me Dick.  The reason I am posting is that my good friend Dixie asked me too.  Why?  You’re going to have to ask her.  Dixie and I met a few years ago in a fantastic Canadian city filled with people-that-don’t-have-homes-at-the-moment-but-will-paint-you-a-picture-for-crack-money.  I consider Dixie to be one of my best friends.  Yadda yadda..

Anywho, I have been a fan of this blog since it’s started.  As a male, it’s interesting to see females post about their sexual victories like…  well, men.  (Is this being sexist?)  I don’t know, shop talk just seems to be shop talk if it’s coming out of a man or a woman’s mouth.

Now, do I have an interesting tale to share? Well, I was asked to write this last week and I did start, but it ended up being an emo-tale of a man that isn’t able to find the right woman.  Awww.  Heart breaking, isn’t it?  (Someone kick my ass.)

But, I realized that’s the wrong thing to do.  I was falling into the young man slump of WHY AREN’T PEOPLE PRAISING ME!  I AM IMPORTANT!  While I still feel this way, heh, no one likes bitching, do they?  I think not, I think they would rather have Perez Hilton as their BFF.

Now we come to the question on why I haven’t had any sexual adventures in about a year.  Well, the last girl I was seeing on a regular basis in my current town was, well, just someone to hang out with and fuck.  I didn’t take it seriously at all.  She also annoyed the shit out of me.  I was about 5-6 years her senior.  TYPICAL, HUH?  Nothing really exciting, I was trying to get over a girl I was seeing and figured I should go to the nearest port and refuel.

Since that ended, I’ve been well..  Content not having sex?  I know, I know..  What the fuck am I saying?  I guess I just needed some me time.  Time to play video games till 3 am without my current interest bitching that I don’t spending enough time with her.  The freedom of going and seeing Metropolis instead of Sex and the City 2.  It was good not to have that tractor beam constantly pulling.

But today, something sparked.  A waitress at a local establishment crossed the line.   She had a love of Bill Murray that might rival my own.  She was admiring my amazing Murray shirt as she was taking my afternoon beer order.  After name dropping Murray movies back and forth, she reached down and pointed out a character.  She was pressing rather hard and I think she was surprised to feel that there was actually a tectonic plate.   After this, she got my beer order, more flirting went on, but her shift must have ended because another girl got my bill.  Hurmph.  The hunt is back on…

04^th Jul 2010

Sunday // 12pm // 1 year ago

How to use technology to get laid without being an assbag

Pixie is currently in the middle of fucking nowhere without regular access to technology, so you’re going to be dealing with my bullshit a bit more frequently.

Between her absence, and getting a lovely email from a reader, I thought this was as good of a time as any to go over the important role technology plays in my generation’s sex life.

I’ve ranted at length about the effect Skype is having on my situation with Ringo, so I think I can leave that topic alone, but things like email, and texting (I refuse to say ‘sexting’ on principle. What a gross word. Cut it out, teenagers.) and social networking sites have made being perpetually aroused a whole lot easier. As with all things, there’s a right way and a wrong way to go about this.

1. Subtlety is your friend, forever and for always.

It doesn’t matter if you’ve had filthy, disgusting sex with someone dozens of times, or if you’ve never so much as touched their boob. This rule always applies.

Good: “I was just thinking of your nose pressed against my chest and where the rest of your body had to be for that to happen.”

Why it worked: I knew EXACTLY when he was talking about. For some reason, I can’t explain why, getting that message was absurdly hot. That one little line? Made me remember everything from that night; how he looked, felt, tasted, smelled… All I thought about was that exact moment. Not the awkwardness that proceeded it, not the annoying bruise on my ass that wouldn’t go away for about a week afterwards, not the clean-up. Which brings me to the bad…

Bad: “Remember the time I gave you a facial? Fuck that was hot.”

Why it didn’t work: Well, like the previously example… I knew exactly when he was talking about. Discussing the time YOU had perhaps the biggest orgasm of your life and ruined a really cute shirt and I couldn’t get cum out of my hair for like, half an hour? No. Sorry, bro. That does not make my lady parts tingle in a way that is beneficial to you. Had you instead discussed the ridiculous hours of teasing that lead up to that point, or the shower afterwards when we gave up on getting the cum out of my hair and did fun things instead, your odds would have improved drastically.

2. Brevity may be the soul of wit, but ‘you’ still has 3 letters. 

Text speak has no place in sexy talk! None! No! Not ever! I don’t care that you have limited space. Use creative phrasing rather than creative spelling.

Good:“I was just watching tv, and Zooey Deschanel’s bangs made me think of you. Come over?”

Why it worked: Well, the fact that I like her hair a lot didn’t hurt his cause…but he established that he was thinking of me, was direct with what he wanted, and used both proper spelling and punctuation. It also showed that he was apparently watching something with her in it, and she’s delightful.

Bad: “i cant stop thinking about u when can i c u again xo”

Why it didn’t work: Because I’m a goddamn adult, that’s why.

3. Facebook is not fucking private, regardless of your security settings.

What two things do my little sister, my aunt, my teenage cousin, my mom’s best friend, and people I’ve known since elementary school have in common? 1. They’re all on my facebook! 2. I don’t need them to know who is currently accessing my funzone.

Good: Anything that friends would normally post. Like the boy who commented on the link I posted about the riots in Toronto? Good work! Gold star! My mouth and your genitals will soon be reacquainted.

Why it works: It shows that you’re paying attention, in addition to proving that you have common sense.

Bad: Any mention to how much fun ‘we’ had the night before. Any comments about the various things you enjoyed that I did. Any fucking pictures at all (I don’t care if you can’t see anything! I don’t care if I was just asleep! Who the fuck takes pictures of sleeping people?! It doesn’t matter if tagged photos don’t show up on my page, because it showed up on yours!).

Why it doesn’t work: Despite having a sex blog, I’m an intensely private person. I have no pictures or information on my facebook. I just use it to post links, and so people won’t yell at me for not attending events they post on facebook. I don’t even like when people mention conversations we’ve had, posting about how much you liked waking up next to me? Nope. Would have been sweet in a text, but on facebook that’s an automatic de-friending and a life time ban from the amusement park.  

4. Sending pictures of your genitals is ineffective (for boys).

Contrary to popular belief, penises are only fun when you’re in the same room as them. Inexplicably, this is not true of female bits.

Good: Sending a picture in which you look really fucking cute. Alternately, sending a picture of something interesting. (Most effective on me for some reason? A picture of graffiti in Switzerland.)

Why it works: You are reminding us of what an adorable, interesting person you are! This in turn reminds us how adorable and interesting you are in bed!

Bad: It’s a penis! Ta-da!

Why it doesn’t work: Penises aren’t pretty. Generally when in the same room as one, it’s for interactive purposes. Sending a picture just gives more opportunity to really examine it… That’s not a good thing.

5. None of these rules apply to girls, I’m sorry.

I know it’s sexist as hell, but the double standard really works to our favour here. We may make 70 cents on the dollar, but we can put significantly less effort into this sort of thing. That doesn’t mean you should, though! Guys like a well thought out dirty email. Still, I’m generally pretty lazy.

Good: “I’m bored, come over and fuck me?”

Why it worked: Uhh… because I invited him over to fuck me?

Just as good: “I’m going to be in your neighbourhood on tuesday. Hook up?”

Why it worked: Because I said we could hook up and he didn’t have to drive anywhere? Really, it’s not science.

-Dixie